A reflection letter I wrote for the annual Sullivan Scholar Retreat. Traditionally, our community meets before the start of the school year to reflect, share, be in communion. We write summer letters describing our summers as a preparation to receive one another at retreat.
Never in my four years at Seattle U. have I felt so discombobulated when approaching my summer review letter. Usually there is some clarity of thought, some deep reflection to share, or some goal for the future which I can propose to you. At present, these are not readily available. There is no way to summarize the breadth of emotions, the amount of learning or feeling or solidarity that I have experienced since we last saw one another. And I honestly do not think that any could or should be paraphrased. So, let me instead focus on a few life lessons I have learned, both in my internships and my personal (read personal, not romantic!) relationships with a wide variety of individuals during my past 5 months in Mexico.
And maybe it is only on the trail to nowhere-in-particular that you find the most important thing of all. Yourself. –Douglas Wood
If anything I have learned the importance of estar (to be) rather than hacer (to do). Approaching my time in Tijuana I really thought that I would be busy with things “to do.” I went with ideas, plans, and dreams. But instead of leading reflections, planning fundraisers, and writing grants, I was overwhelmed with other responsibilities. I was constructing houses and covered in cement almost every day. I enjoyed the labor for the most part, but there were issues with my male coworkers. I was leading trips to the health clinic, tortilleria, panaderia, playing basketball or praying the rosary with the nuns up the street, camping on the beach, running on the hillsides with Monica (the other long-term volunteer), packing first aid kits, food, water, and supporting my sister through her pregnancy while preparing for the Rotary competition.
In short, I was a mess. But did I learn something? Absolutely. I learned how to estar, because despite how it sounds, I was often put to the side, silenced and bored. I learned how to watch, to learn from experienced technicians and social workers that know so much more than I do about how to create and support social change and the elimination of poverty and violence in their communities. I learned to let go of my mistakes as I stumbled still in Spanish, realized I was practically useless at a construction site, and still couldn’t get through the Creed in Spanish at mass (despite the fact that Moni and I would go almost every morning at 630 with the nuns). I learned to sit through 12 hours of community meetings in one day and to discipline myself to pay attention to minute cultural details, to value relationships over processes. I learned to play with a puppy, to drink café at leisure with a family up the road, to strike up conversations with strangers in passing on the street, to hail the piropos “Güerra!” by flashing the customary peace-sign, to take one minute showers, and how to be in communion with groups that I would only share life with for one week. Estar.
Never in my four years at Seattle U. have I felt so discombobulated when approaching my summer review letter. Usually there is some clarity of thought, some deep reflection to share, or some goal for the future which I can propose to you. At present, these are not readily available. There is no way to summarize the breadth of emotions, the amount of learning or feeling or solidarity that I have experienced since we last saw one another. And I honestly do not think that any could or should be paraphrased. So, let me instead focus on a few life lessons I have learned, both in my internships and my personal (read personal, not romantic!) relationships with a wide variety of individuals during my past 5 months in Mexico.
And maybe it is only on the trail to nowhere-in-particular that you find the most important thing of all. Yourself. –Douglas Wood
If anything I have learned the importance of estar (to be) rather than hacer (to do). Approaching my time in Tijuana I really thought that I would be busy with things “to do.” I went with ideas, plans, and dreams. But instead of leading reflections, planning fundraisers, and writing grants, I was overwhelmed with other responsibilities. I was constructing houses and covered in cement almost every day. I enjoyed the labor for the most part, but there were issues with my male coworkers. I was leading trips to the health clinic, tortilleria, panaderia, playing basketball or praying the rosary with the nuns up the street, camping on the beach, running on the hillsides with Monica (the other long-term volunteer), packing first aid kits, food, water, and supporting my sister through her pregnancy while preparing for the Rotary competition.
In short, I was a mess. But did I learn something? Absolutely. I learned how to estar, because despite how it sounds, I was often put to the side, silenced and bored. I learned how to watch, to learn from experienced technicians and social workers that know so much more than I do about how to create and support social change and the elimination of poverty and violence in their communities. I learned to let go of my mistakes as I stumbled still in Spanish, realized I was practically useless at a construction site, and still couldn’t get through the Creed in Spanish at mass (despite the fact that Moni and I would go almost every morning at 630 with the nuns). I learned to sit through 12 hours of community meetings in one day and to discipline myself to pay attention to minute cultural details, to value relationships over processes. I learned to play with a puppy, to drink café at leisure with a family up the road, to strike up conversations with strangers in passing on the street, to hail the piropos “Güerra!” by flashing the customary peace-sign, to take one minute showers, and how to be in communion with groups that I would only share life with for one week. Estar.
I did not believe in the value of my presence or work at Esperanza until the very end of my stay. I think that this feeling of worthlessness reflects the treatment and lack of consideration of my supervisor. I did not receive the support that I needed, and he in his brokenness and over-burdened state had nothing left to offer me. Those detrimental feelings were the most difficult challenge to overcome. For a type-A, western customed, university educated, white girl from Oregon with dreams of making an impact at least in the community of TJ and Esperanza, the humiliations and acknowledgment that I must sometimes sit still and watch was humbling. I try to think that I did not fail by choosing to leave Tijuana. I try to believe that I simply accepted the fact that the internship was not much of an internship, but a pure service opportunity that was overly demanding of me physically and somewhat toxic to me emotionally.
Thus a spirituality marked by the struggle for liberation can lead to an experience of deep darkness, which will require true humility. It is this humility that enables us to continue in the struggle, even when we see little progress, to be faithful even when we experience only darkness, to stay with the people even when we ourselves feel abandoned. -Henri J M Nouwen
I moved to Cuernavaca in the middle of July. It was NOT an easy transition. I thought I would feel at home here, and I did not. I thought I would feel happy, and I felt desolated. I thought I would feel liberated, and I only felt exhausted. But as the weeks go by, I slowly am putting myself back together. I am staying in touch with loved ones in TJ and building community here. It is a lot of work, and sometimes I want to just give up and become a hermit, but that is not loving; and without loving I am truly lost. I am trying to enjoy what this space has to offer and not feel bitterness about how many streetlights and paved roads there are, at the number of mansions and summer homes, at the lack of solidarity or acknowledgement of the plight of those trapped at the border. I am living in a different reality here, but I guard in my heart the memories, the sentiments, the stalwart promise to care about immigrants and migrants...those on the move and those settled in shacks in Tijuana. I will not forget you.
I swear never to be silent whenever and wherever human lives endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere when human lives are endangered. When human dignity is in jeopardy, that place, at that moment, must become the center of the universe. –Elie Wiesel
I try to apply what I have learned in TJ to my present work in Cuernavaca. I am a volunteer at the school I attended last year: Center for Global Education. I like it very much. I help in the office and make arrangements for travel seminars and semester students. It is a fantastic work environment and my compañeros (coworkers) are great. There are lots of learning opportunities and I have responsibilities as a leader, which I appreciate. I also work in a non-profit organization called Coordinadora de Grupos Culturales Indígenas y Populares (CGCIP). They do a range of activities, workshops, and dialogues around themes of indigenous rights. I participate in those, and I am also conducting an investigation of federal social policies and effectiveness in comparison to the works of CGCIP. I assist with plans and a blog for the International Indigenous Women’s Day event which is coming in November. Oh, and I dance at least four hours a week. I find it a truly liberating pastime. I started dancing (formally!) at age 3 and stopped at 14. There just wasn’t opportunity in Rockaway. I had forgot how alive I feel, and how simply and wonderfully elated it makes me. It’s beautiful, and it is also proving to be a very fantastic way to connect with the community, culture, and make some nice dancer-friends!
Our revolution will have dancing- and excellent food. In the long run, the choice of life over death is too good to resist. –Emma Goldman
My days are always full, but I don’t feel that I accomplish much. And sometimes at my internship in CGCIP there is simply nothing for me to do. So the challenge of estar (being) and no hacer (not doing) is still difficult, conceptually more than anything. It would be an error to think that one is accomplishing nothing in being, if one can be an objective observer, with decent intentions, openness, and willingness to convivir (live together). As a foreigner coming to Mexico as a volunteer to learn from already established organizations and their processes, being is sometimes the most important thing I can do. It helps establish confianza (trust), but also sets aside my privilege, power, and “know it all, fix it all” western/U.S. philosophy to learn from another person and culture, rightfully letting them be the experts.
Thus a spirituality marked by the struggle for liberation can lead to an experience of deep darkness, which will require true humility. It is this humility that enables us to continue in the struggle, even when we see little progress, to be faithful even when we experience only darkness, to stay with the people even when we ourselves feel abandoned. -Henri J M Nouwen
I moved to Cuernavaca in the middle of July. It was NOT an easy transition. I thought I would feel at home here, and I did not. I thought I would feel happy, and I felt desolated. I thought I would feel liberated, and I only felt exhausted. But as the weeks go by, I slowly am putting myself back together. I am staying in touch with loved ones in TJ and building community here. It is a lot of work, and sometimes I want to just give up and become a hermit, but that is not loving; and without loving I am truly lost. I am trying to enjoy what this space has to offer and not feel bitterness about how many streetlights and paved roads there are, at the number of mansions and summer homes, at the lack of solidarity or acknowledgement of the plight of those trapped at the border. I am living in a different reality here, but I guard in my heart the memories, the sentiments, the stalwart promise to care about immigrants and migrants...those on the move and those settled in shacks in Tijuana. I will not forget you.
I swear never to be silent whenever and wherever human lives endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Sometimes we must interfere when human lives are endangered. When human dignity is in jeopardy, that place, at that moment, must become the center of the universe. –Elie Wiesel
I try to apply what I have learned in TJ to my present work in Cuernavaca. I am a volunteer at the school I attended last year: Center for Global Education. I like it very much. I help in the office and make arrangements for travel seminars and semester students. It is a fantastic work environment and my compañeros (coworkers) are great. There are lots of learning opportunities and I have responsibilities as a leader, which I appreciate. I also work in a non-profit organization called Coordinadora de Grupos Culturales Indígenas y Populares (CGCIP). They do a range of activities, workshops, and dialogues around themes of indigenous rights. I participate in those, and I am also conducting an investigation of federal social policies and effectiveness in comparison to the works of CGCIP. I assist with plans and a blog for the International Indigenous Women’s Day event which is coming in November. Oh, and I dance at least four hours a week. I find it a truly liberating pastime. I started dancing (formally!) at age 3 and stopped at 14. There just wasn’t opportunity in Rockaway. I had forgot how alive I feel, and how simply and wonderfully elated it makes me. It’s beautiful, and it is also proving to be a very fantastic way to connect with the community, culture, and make some nice dancer-friends!
Our revolution will have dancing- and excellent food. In the long run, the choice of life over death is too good to resist. –Emma Goldman
My days are always full, but I don’t feel that I accomplish much. And sometimes at my internship in CGCIP there is simply nothing for me to do. So the challenge of estar (being) and no hacer (not doing) is still difficult, conceptually more than anything. It would be an error to think that one is accomplishing nothing in being, if one can be an objective observer, with decent intentions, openness, and willingness to convivir (live together). As a foreigner coming to Mexico as a volunteer to learn from already established organizations and their processes, being is sometimes the most important thing I can do. It helps establish confianza (trust), but also sets aside my privilege, power, and “know it all, fix it all” western/U.S. philosophy to learn from another person and culture, rightfully letting them be the experts.
You are probably striving to build on identity in your work to protect yourself against nothingness, which is not the right use of your work. All the good that you will do will come not from you but from the fact that you have already allowed yourself, in the obedience of faith, to be used by God’s love. Think of this over and gradually you will be free from the need to prove yourself, and you can be more open to the power that will work through you without you knowing it. –Thomas Merton
I am learning to loosen my expectations of myself. I am learning to live with general goals for some sort of future, but without living off of a checklist and without set plans. They are merely dreams, self-improvement projects and adventures that I hope to achieve at some point in my little lifetime. To be, truly be grounded in the present, one must be patient. I am trying to accept that all I might accomplish in a day is running errands, reading a book, and going for walks and dancing salsa. I try to accept myself, as God accepts me for simply being, for being myself, my true self, a loving, generous self. It is neither useless nor sinful to live calmly, peacefully, quietly, slowly. For years I have punished myself for being “selfish” for wanting to just sit still. Now I am finally liberating myself from my own demands and enjoying my presence, giving in to the fact that I cannot change the world alone, or all at once. Patience.
Patience is not waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later, and somewhere else. Let’s be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand. – Henri J M Nouwen
About the future. HA! I know very little. December is creeping up on me. June 2011 when I graduate will come all too quickly. I feel like a freshman in college (no offense) because I keep changing graduate degree programs that I want to do; one day it is social work, then international relations, then law, then international development, or any combination thereof. Currently, I am thinking of going to grad school, PeaceCorps, being a CGE intern, or joining a religious order for my post-graduate plans. I’m exploring options, submitting applications, and seeing what doors open up in the meantime.
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves...Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. –Ranier Maria Rilke
What I do know is that I enjoy the slow growth taking place. It is growth, it is undoing, and it is healing. By the end of this year of service, there are many things which I will have learned. But I hope that I will learn how to be ok with al estar (being), and that my essential self will be able to shine through. I hope to be more centered and grounded even if I don’t have any more answers or plans or major accomplishments to share with you. Even if seemingly small changes are taking place within and around me, they are mini-triumphs to be celebrated. I want to learn to be a better human being, and how to be a better leader...
A woman who teaches by being. –Maya Angelou
Enjoy retreat. Enjoy one another. Enjoy yourselves. Welcome to the freshmen and Dr. Andrews. Best wishes to all of you. So far away and yet I still feel the safety net of this community around me. I am so grateful to each of you. Thank you. I hope to see you very soon.
La Paz!
Alysson
I am learning to loosen my expectations of myself. I am learning to live with general goals for some sort of future, but without living off of a checklist and without set plans. They are merely dreams, self-improvement projects and adventures that I hope to achieve at some point in my little lifetime. To be, truly be grounded in the present, one must be patient. I am trying to accept that all I might accomplish in a day is running errands, reading a book, and going for walks and dancing salsa. I try to accept myself, as God accepts me for simply being, for being myself, my true self, a loving, generous self. It is neither useless nor sinful to live calmly, peacefully, quietly, slowly. For years I have punished myself for being “selfish” for wanting to just sit still. Now I am finally liberating myself from my own demands and enjoying my presence, giving in to the fact that I cannot change the world alone, or all at once. Patience.
Patience is not waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later, and somewhere else. Let’s be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand. – Henri J M Nouwen
About the future. HA! I know very little. December is creeping up on me. June 2011 when I graduate will come all too quickly. I feel like a freshman in college (no offense) because I keep changing graduate degree programs that I want to do; one day it is social work, then international relations, then law, then international development, or any combination thereof. Currently, I am thinking of going to grad school, PeaceCorps, being a CGE intern, or joining a religious order for my post-graduate plans. I’m exploring options, submitting applications, and seeing what doors open up in the meantime.
Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves...Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. –Ranier Maria Rilke
What I do know is that I enjoy the slow growth taking place. It is growth, it is undoing, and it is healing. By the end of this year of service, there are many things which I will have learned. But I hope that I will learn how to be ok with al estar (being), and that my essential self will be able to shine through. I hope to be more centered and grounded even if I don’t have any more answers or plans or major accomplishments to share with you. Even if seemingly small changes are taking place within and around me, they are mini-triumphs to be celebrated. I want to learn to be a better human being, and how to be a better leader...
A woman who teaches by being. –Maya Angelou
Enjoy retreat. Enjoy one another. Enjoy yourselves. Welcome to the freshmen and Dr. Andrews. Best wishes to all of you. So far away and yet I still feel the safety net of this community around me. I am so grateful to each of you. Thank you. I hope to see you very soon.
La Paz!
Alysson
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