the party at Esperanza went really well. We had a good showing and it was really amazing to see community members from all over Tijuana in one spot sharing a celebration. We recognized our staff and special community leaders. Several long-term volunteers (like me!) also returned, and it was nice to hear more about their experiences with Esperanza, why they stay involved, and to feel their support while I am serving Esperanza.

The week after I still worked with the construction crew. We had one of our most devout groups from Seattle visiting to work, so I wanted to spend some time with them. They were really fun, but I still feel myself yearning for something... I find myself in the bucket line passing dirt and feeling so incredibly bored. I guess I am the type of person that needs some intellectual stimulation, because I find myself anxious and frusterated at times, wishing I were learning something or applying myself more. I know service is different, but this is the same issue I have in the social work field. I don't feel intellectually challenged, or not in the right way, or not enough, I'm not really sure. I just know that I feel something is missing from my experience with Esperanza. And I honestly don't know how other volunteers have kept themselves amused for such long periods of time...Man, I feel like a snob writing this!

As I have said before, I feel a lot of barriers to becoming part of a community or friend circle here in Tijuana. I feel as though I would have a difficult time finding like-minded companions also, that felt the same pull to social justice and international affairs, etc. I feel lonely a lot, and I also feel that I am not reaching my goals here at Esperanza. Yes, I truly believe in the work of the organization, but I do wonder whether or not I am the right sort of volunteer. Or maybe timing was just not in-sync. Or maybe I just expected something different than what this position really is, and I believe that is true.

I have been offered a position working part-time at CEMAL where I went to school last year in Cuernavaca as a program assistant. I will also be interning at a local organization, where I hope I can really contribute something to the organization or at least participate directly with what they do. I think I will accept it, although I feel in some ways that I am betraying Esperanza in leaving early. The truth is, beyond all my frustration with the work, I have not been able to maintain control of my diabetes here because of the schedule, the food, the lack of time for exercise, lack of sleep, and I honestly can't sacrifice my health anymore. For years I have put aside concern for my diabetes to maintain a heavy school/work load, and it simply must end. I didn't expect the work to be so hard on my body, and as a diabetic, I have to be especially careful. Long days standing, dirty cuts, bruises, etc. are all more difficult for a diabetic body to handle, and I am becoming acutely aware of that. It makes me feel old that my legs ache, my feet swell, and it scares me that my cuts take over a week to heal and that my blood sugars are so up and down. I have made plenty of excuses in the past for not caring for myself, but they have expired. It is a lesson in humility for me to realize as an adult with diabetes that there are certain limitations to what I will be able to do as far as a career or lifestyle is concerned. I like to think I can brave anything, survive anything, go anywhere without a care in the world, but that is ignorance and denial speaking. It simply is not realistic for me to stay in that mindset. I see my decision to leave Esperanza somewhat humiliating, but humiliation brings humility, and I need to be humbled to the reality that I am diabetic and always will be, and to accept the implications of that.

I will be leaving Esperanza in late June to begin an internship in Cuernavaca in July. I don't know how the agency will react to my decision. I only left a job once, but I feel like such a loser for leaving in the height of summer. I do believe that this is a wise decision. I would be happy to hear your comments about it.

Love,

aly